Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
