Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D![]()
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What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy