Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I got soap in my shower beer again.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.