Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

A leaf blower, but for people.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income