Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Haha! 😂
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Goat cheese is for herders.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!