Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

We’ve all been there

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!