Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Hit me in the face with a bird
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief