Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
😂💯
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.