@AmericanGent69

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

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@BriarSlyMalice

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@Auzzie78

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

@UnIxphysco

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

@JustMeTurtle

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

@Mardigroan

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.