Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.


Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.


Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.


Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours


When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.


I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home


DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being


I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.