Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.