Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*sewing*
A thread
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.