Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.