Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Saw your ex at the shops

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Carpe DM

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?