Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.