Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?