Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Copy Editor is a rewording career.