traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
i meant to share this earlier
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.