Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

o shit

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does