Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds