[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.