[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.