Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

ㅤ

On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,

Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”

When what on my new hat did appear,

But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!

The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,

I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”