Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

I need to sieze this.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”