Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one