Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head