[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The opposite of Iceland is water water
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.