Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

🤣

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

…u ok Nintendo?

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.