Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.