Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
A classic…