Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.