Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!