Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only a mother’s love …

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Bill is short for Billiam

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof