Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

*bites zombie*

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*