Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
when I hit 45 I’m going to start sleeping in a coffin. let’s be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.
Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.