*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
mariah carrie
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.