@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

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@daemonic3

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets

@ThisOneSayz

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

@blade_funner

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

@E_lok44

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@bourgeoisalien

when I hit 45 I’m going to start sleeping in a coffin. let’s be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable

@tdawks

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

@FeverFlave

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@jwoodham

Don’t let people tell you that life after college is nothing but being poor and tired. It’s 100% true, but it’s more fun if it’s a surprise.