Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

Spotted in New Orleans.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Midwest trash talk

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.