Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.