Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Can’t stop laughing