Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Sooo many times…..

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.