Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

somebody come look at this

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”