Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!