[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.