Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.