Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Canadian owl: Eh?

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

going to bed

Me, in DM rooms…

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.