Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

some things should go without saying

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Breaking news:

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them