[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Try and stop me.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.