Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Bring back the McRib

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Jogging has never helped my memory.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question