Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

If my kids invented a drink.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

every college guy’s fridge

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator