Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Yoga Matt

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do