Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
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Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Noah
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good