Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC