Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Me driving through Toronto

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.