Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

ready to be harvested

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…