Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

I need a headline like this

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this