Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.