Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”