Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”