Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

The Sun’s probably Asian.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-