[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.