Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣