Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM