Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Roses are red
Violets are blue![]()
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
whatcha thinkin bout
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.