Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.