Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

🖕🏻👽

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Boy never ceases to amaze me

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too