Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
True?
