Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER