Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret