Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Most Common Source of Electricity
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.