Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.