Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

hi why am I like this

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”