Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet