Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which