Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O