Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*