Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Are you ok, human???

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

peep davidson

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.