TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.