Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

S O O N

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

What even happened today?

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself