TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*