Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”