trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Something Saturday.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself