Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I can’t be the only one 😂

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.