trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
They say women only use 10% of their anger
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.